Writing this post might make me cry.
I know that I mentioned before that I was sexually abused when I was younger. That, in itself is hard for me to admit. I do pretty well most of the time. I think, anyways.
Apparently, when I was a child, I shoved my hands through windows, shut my fingers in doors, and screamed a lot. Basically, I was a terror. I probably am the reason that my mom only had two children. I don’t remember doing that type of stuff. In high school, I missed a lot of “events.” I missed a few piano recitals. I mean, I went. But I didn’t go. Is any of this making sense? Because it isn’t to me….
But recently, I’ve done stuff that hurt a lot of people. And I don’t remember doing any. of. it. I lied. A lot. I told people that I would be places and I wasn’t. I said stuff that I didn’t mean. And now, I have to deal with the consequences. It’s hard and it hurts.
I’m feeling very disliked by some of my favorite people, who also happen to be the people that I lied to. I probably hurt them the worst. They’re questioning EVERYTHING now, and I can’t really blame them. I also can’t help that it really hurts too. They’re wanting to go see my counselor, my doctor, and my psychiatrist with me. And normally? I wouldn’t have a problem with it. But I feel so exposed, so unloved, so hated…. I feel like they’re attacking me. I feel like screaming “no! no! no!” and running away. Cutting them out forever. I know that would be so bad for me though, because I love them.
I can’t help that I don’t remember. And honestly? I think I need to feel loved more than ever right now. This is killing me.
I am supposed to go to their house for Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday. I was very excited and now… I would rather crawl in a hole to die.
I feel like this a lot. And each time, it passes. Eventually. But I don’t have any control over when or any of the emotions that I feel (can’t handle).
I feel like there’s been a weight lifted off my shoulders. I think my body thinks so too, or is starting feel the stress that I’ve been under. I have the worst headache right now. Right in the middle of my forehead, which I am pretty sure is a stress headache. Excedrin PM for me tonight.
My parents are coming to visit me tomorrow. I’m excited to see them, but at the same time…..I know that it will be exhausting.
I’ve been really liking listing lately. It makes me happy, and makes me feel a bit more organized. I think that I’m going to make a little list each day.
For today…. Things I’m Good At.
being there for my friends
watching movie and tv marathons
putting my foot (or, feet) in my mouth
I’m all moved in, finally. I waited for my storage men to come bring me my stuff for oh, about 5 hours or so. The only thing that I really have left to do is bring a few storage boxes down to my car. I’m sending them home with my mom 🙂
Tonight I start my step study. I’m kind of nervous, but I’m hoping that it will be good. I told one of my friends, Cindy, that I was doing it, and she was kind of discouraging. I don’t know. I shouldn’t let other people discourage me against something I know is good, but she made some valid points. Kind of makes me lose faith in myself…
What am I afraid to tell you?
I’ve messed up my life more than you can imagine.
I am a Xanax addict. Through my addiction, I’ve hurt a lot of friends, lost a few, and caused many not to trust me.
I’ve stolen, lied, and gone to important events while high on Xanax.
Now, I am starting fresh. New apartment, new coping skills, new routines. A new season.
20 days sober. One day at a time.
I start school soon. On the 6th. I’m super nervous, mainly because I have a little motivation problem sometimes. And anxiety. The combination of those is basically one of the worst things to happen to any student.
Last year, I did mediocre in school, mainly because I skipped. A lot. It was a bad decision. I passed all of my classes, but didn’t do as well as I normally do.
Anxiety is something that I’ve always dealt with in school. In high school, I used to have panic attacks in my English class. The room was small, hot, and there were so many people. I felt blocked in. It is hands down, the worst thing that I remember about high school.
Now that I have a choice whether or not to go to class, sometimes, my anxiety gets the best of me and I skip. Without fail, I feel bad about it afterwards. But sometimes in that moment….man, some bad decisions can be made.
But, fall (it is on the way!) always motivates me. I have some major goals to accomplish.
Are you excited for fall?
I have been so productive today. I have my good and bad days, like everyone, I suppose. But today, I have been on fire! I’m feeling much better physically today so I have been getting a lot done.
I….. went and got my blood drawn, did some smash booking, worked (I babysit the cutest kid), went to Target, ordered books for my upcoming semester, created a savings account, paid some bills.
And now I’m watching Teen Mom. Again. Yeah. But in about 2 hours, I’m getting my hair(s) cut and going to my church group.
What have you done today?
Yesterday, I got sick. For the first time in a long time. Actually, I don’t know if you could even really call it “getting sick” but man, I felt sick. I slept kind of wacky the night before (ya know. Head propped up by 4 pillows, on your side, blankets strangling your legs. I woke up even more tired than when I went to sleep). I woke up with a headache, and I just felt worse as the day went on.
By the time I got home from work, I was ready to start crying. So I did what any ill individual who felt bad would do: cuddled with the dog and watched Teen Mom. For oh, 6 hours. And then I went to bed and all was right in the world. I feel much better now and am ready to start my day!
Today I have an eye appointment. I think that I’m going to get a new pair of glasses. I have a pair that I love, but I’ve been having trouble finding them in the morning. Apparently, I’m a wild sleeper. I am constantly knocking them off of the shelf that I put them on. I’m a weirdo.
I might also get a pedicure today. If I decide not to be a cheapskate.
I want to start out by saying something weird. I know that it isn’t something that most people just start off their blog by saying, but I think its important because I plan on blogging about it quite frequently.
Okay, are you ready?
I was sexually abused as a kid.
And guess what else? I’m okay. And soon, I’m going to be even better.
There. I’m glad that I got that out.
Basically, I want to be able to look back on this blog and think, “Wow! I thrived despite what happened to me.” And probably about what a weird person I am, too.
And I want to help other survivors turn into thrivers. Because, like my blog title says, ‘that girl was me.’ I’ve been there and I get it. We should talk.
I’m not sure how anonymous I plan on being. I have Twitter/Instagram/Pintrest/Facebook …basically every social media network you could have. But I’m not sure if I’m ready for this blog to be connected to those. We’ll see as time goes on. But you can always leave comments or email me.
So, I’ll tell you a little about myself.
I like to read. I have the worst time remembering things. I’m in college. I do not wear dresses. I like to thrift shop. I wish I played the guitar. I love music recommendations. And I want to help people.