i don’t even know.

Writing this post might make me cry. 

I know that I mentioned before that I was sexually abused when I was younger. That, in itself is hard for me to admit. I do pretty well most of the time. I think, anyways. 

Apparently, when I was a child, I shoved my hands through windows, shut my fingers in doors, and screamed a lot. Basically, I was a terror. I probably am the reason that my mom only had two children. I don’t remember doing that type of stuff. In high school, I missed a lot of “events.” I missed a few piano recitals. I mean, I went. But I didn’t go. Is any of this making sense? Because it isn’t to me….

But recently, I’ve done stuff that hurt a lot of people. And I don’t remember doing any. of. it. I lied. A lot. I told people that I would be places and I wasn’t. I said stuff that I didn’t mean. And now, I have to deal with the consequences. It’s hard and it hurts. 

I’m feeling very disliked by some of my favorite people, who also happen to be the people that I lied to. I probably hurt them the worst. They’re questioning EVERYTHING now, and I can’t really blame them. I also can’t help that it really hurts too. They’re wanting to go see my counselor, my doctor, and my psychiatrist with me. And normally? I wouldn’t have a problem with it. But I feel so exposed, so unloved, so hated…. I feel like they’re attacking me. I feel like screaming “no! no! no!” and running away. Cutting them out forever. I know that would be so bad for me though, because I love them.

I can’t help that I don’t remember. And honestly? I think I need to feel loved more than ever right now. This is killing me. 

I am supposed to go to their house for Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday. I was very excited and now… I would rather crawl in a hole to die. 

I feel like this a lot. And each time, it passes. Eventually. But I don’t have any control over when or any of the emotions that I feel (can’t handle).

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